hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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