Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
