Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
