No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
