i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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