Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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