dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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