i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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