You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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