I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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