If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
