I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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