I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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