We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
