I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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