Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
