smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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