I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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