paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
