And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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