i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
