i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
