I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
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Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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