haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
