Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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