i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
