I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
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The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
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He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.