I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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