I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
