Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
