Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
