He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pants are for mortals
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
