I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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