There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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