I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
