Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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