Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
