She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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