I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
