you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
