My hand turned me down
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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