Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
