he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
