we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
