i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
