it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
