Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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