I think i sorta joined a cult last night
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
