I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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