why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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