Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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