Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
