So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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