i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
