We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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