did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
