I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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