I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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