Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You're like the curious george of whores
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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