Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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